“The worst thing about death must be the first night.” Jose Ramon Jimenez
Sooner or later something ‘really bad’ happens to each of us. It might be a catastrophic accident, a frightening diagnosis, or a financial collapse; it might be the death of a parent or loved one. In whatever guise it takes, this life challenge marks the end of life as we have known it.
Shock! No words come; we are stunned into silence. Breathing is difficult and our hearts beat like sheets flapping in the wind. Our eyes cannot focus and our rational minds endlessly repeat denials.
It marks the beginning of a new chapter in our lives. From that day forward, nothing, nothing, is ever the same. We have left the Known and entered the Unknown. This new reality is nowhere more keenly felt than on ‘the first night.’ We lie in bed alone and ‘what is’ can no longer be denied, no longer be avoided. There is no escape from this reality.
When we lose a loved one, we remember our first night alone. But what about the one who has died? How is that first night spent? If the people reporting near death experiences are to be believed, the departed are very happy and at peace after the turbulence of earthly life. Is this hearsay or hallucination? Truth or wishful thinking? I wonder….
It’s fashionable to believe in reincarnation and say you want to get off the karmic round. You want to be done with humankind and enter nirvana. Not me. I am not done yet. I am sure I will be back many more times, not only because I have so much more to learn but I have so much more to let go of.
When I think of dying, I feel sad to think I will be leaving behind the beauty of this earth – the sight of geese flying south in formation and the bright eyes of a baby looking into mine, the smell of orange blossoms and sweet allysum, the taste of cold beer on a hot day, the sound of rain in the night and the silence of new fallen snow and the rush of wind in my hair.
This earth and its beauty grip my heart in a savage love. Or am I the one who is holding on so tightly? Will I be able to go gently into that good night? Or depart, kicking and screaming, asking for just a little more time?
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